=/ ..

today has been a long day, a very long day.
i have no idea what is really bothering me .. but then again, i think i do.
sometimes i just have my days i guess. i need to like go have a run and then have a cry bout it :(

you really dont know what you have until its gone .

sometimes theres those things that you want to just erase out of your memory, those things that you want to forget so that you can live a life that doesnt have that little thing pulling you back. but its not something we an easily do. its impossible.

by now, i should have learnt to live without it, but i havent. its impossible for me to forget such an important part of my life. a part that has made me who i am, the person you all know today. but sometimes i wish i just knew what to do. how to make this shitty ass feeling go away. i know i can never forget about it, and i know that i am not suppose to erase that part of me, but i just want the crap feeling to go away. to be able to live without it .

life is only as good as you make it. but how do i make it good when i am missing a part of me, i part i really feel the need to know, really need to find. how do i find it when its gone ? what am i anymore ..

its just so hard to push this feeling to the side, push it all away and pretend its all okay when inside, its not. inside its like melting icecream, all sloppy and not knowing what to do or where to go. melted . gone . never again can i turn that part of me into something solid, something that is for sure, something that is secure.

and yes, i know i am not meant to forget that part of me, but it just hurts me too much to live without it. erasing it would make it easier, but i could not live without it if it was forever gone. its only the memories that i have left, memories.

sometimes, memories are all i need to survive. they make me smile when i am down, smile when everything is going wrong, smile when i feel the world crashing down on me .. and right now, i feel as if the whole world IS crashing down on me. like no one cares, no one knows what its like. no one.

its something i just have to endeavor on my own, something that will help me grow as a person, if i can get past it all.

sometimes, all i need to know is, its gonna be okay. all i need to hear is that its all going to be alright, that everything will work out. its all i need to hear sometimes. just those few single words can make everything better .. just a few words from the right people. its going to be okay ..

hmphs ..

4 days till dance comp
30 days till formal
97 days till concert
2 gaytimes and counting .


fearless
jen .